I don't know why, but right now I feel pretty worthless. I have all of these feelings of inadequacy that I know should not be there. A decision was made without me, and I am left the one holding the proverbial bag. I feel like I have meant nothing to this person, that the months we speant together ahd absolutely no meaning.
I tire of this ridiculousness, this mindless obsession about the "why", but there is no reason.
I am just another footnote, a pathetic anecdote, that will be followed by another, and another and another. There cannot be happiness there, only perpetual desire and destruction? Life like that seems unlivable, a willful deconstruction and dehumanization of another, another person unsure, picking at self-confidence and leaving you hesitant of any future relationship with any other person.
You wonder to yourself.
Will I make the same mistake again?
Will I let someone treat me as if I am worthless and then treat me like gold later?
Will I stand for someone that says things won't last, but then she says she wants me to be her husband?
Will I stand for someone that can dump me at a drop of a hat, without any real expaination?
Will I stand for someone that is probably screening my calls (when I made them), my emails, my very existence?
Will I stand for someone telling me about their past and then wondering if they will do the same to me?
Will I let myself become stagnant, lethargic, docile to the onslaught of such an uncommunicative, tortured soul?
Will I walk away, in spite of love, when I know I should?

I feel pity for the life that may occur, a life devoid of any lasting relationships other than family. There can only be sorrow when there is no real communication.
I didn't listen, but neither did she.
We are to blame for what has happened.
But I am not the first, nor will I be the last.

But for me:
I won't make this mistake again.
I won't allow another's polar opposites to rule my emotions.
I won't fall prey to another's comitment issues.
I won't allow myself to be victimized by another emotional leprosy.
I won't let another's lack of concern for my feelings, affect my judgement.
I won't allow myself think I can help in another's emotional baggage.
I will fold when I know I can't win.

Because I am not worthless. I am not stupid. I am not an outlet for frustration. I am not a scapegoat, for a lack of willpower. I am not shallow, callous, or dominearing. And will not be strung along, like so many others.
I am better than all of these things.
And my soul feels clean, does yours?